Just listening….

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Sometimes I feel a song so strong that it paralyzes me…
“Photograph”

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimesBut it’s the only thing that I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It’s the only thing that makes us feel alive
We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts were never broken

And time’s forever frozen, still
So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Holding me close until our eyes meet

You won’t ever be alone, wait for me to come home
Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul

And it’s the only thing that I know

I swear it will get easier, remember that with every piece of ya

And it’s the only thing to take with us when we die
We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts were never broken

And time’s forever frozen, still
So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Holding me close until our eyes meet

You won’t ever be alone

And if you hurt me

That’s okay baby, there’ll be worse things

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won’t ever let you go

Wait for me to come home

Wait for me to come home

Wait for me to come home

Wait for me to come home
You can keep me

Inside the necklace you bought when you were sixteen

Next to your heartbeat where I should be

Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me

That’s okay baby, there’ll be worse things

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won’t ever let you go
When I’m going, I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost back on Sixth street

Hearing you whisper through the phone

Wait for me to come home

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The list

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So I’m gonna make a list of things I wish my husband would change and I’m gonna do it here because I don’t think he wants to hear it. And if he did I think he would shut down instead of change. If I am asking too much let me know. Here we go:

1. Tell me he loves me at least once a day.

2. When he text me answer that he loves me too.

3. Give me some form of caring touch hug, kiss etc without me aniciating it first.

4. Having sex without me aniciating it first. It makes me feel so insecure specially when he tells me he’s tired or turns over without touching me.

5. Go on a date at least once every two weeks instead of once every 3 months and then try and be excited instead of being bothered that you have to leave the house. 

6. Don’t tell me he’s sorry when he doesn’t give me affection.

7. Stop telling me I’m a good woman. It makes me feel like he is just saying that because He doesn’t want to say anything else.

I’m am so ready to get out of this funk we are in but I don’t know what to do. I get all crazy and have flashes of how it was before. My only comfort is that he wears his ring. He never did before and he made a promise to wear it after we got back together.

I am so hoping that this is just a low point in our roller coaster ride and we’ll be up again. 

What can I do to make it better? 

Stuck in a rut 

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So here I am a month shy from the 2 year mark and we are stuck in a rut. Actually my husband is stuck. I’m trying so hard to be up beat but our money situation isn’t great and it puts my husband into this shit ass mood. 

I was so happy to see him and give him a kiss and I missed him, but it’s like he’s home and everything is Ok and then he just shuts down. 

He was doing the bills and that gets him very frustrated and angry and then the day is just shot. I was so looking forward to just being with him and cuddling. 

Maybe I need to be more understanding but it’s so hard when I think about how much we wanted to be with each other after Dday and we decided to stay together and forward to present time and it’s like we are just trying to make it day by day with the knowledge that now we notice every single low point in our lives and talk to each other instead of ignoring it and having it fester. 

But today as he’s doing the bills he talked about how much his life suck because he didn’t have any money and I just wanted to punch him in the face. Ok we don’t have money to do extra things so fucking what! We live day by day but we have three beautiful kids and a house and jobs and we are not divorced having to pay lawyers bills and hating each other. 

Lord give me the strength to get him out of this rut he’s in or help me win the lottery:) 

Teacher at Manhattan prep school accused of having sex with girl at nightclub

New York's PIX11 / WPIX-TV

EAST VILLAGE, N.Y. — A teacher and coach at a Manhattan prep school is accused of having sex with a 16-year-old girl at a nightclub, police said Thursday.

David Azurmendi, 34, was arrested Wednesday at his home in Summit, N.J., police said. He faces a charge of third-degree rape.

Azurmendi works as a teacher and is a coach at Leman Manhattan Preparatory School in Manhattan’s financial district. The school has two campuses with about 600 students from more than 50 countries, according to its website. Requests for comment from the school were not returned by the time of publication.

On June 19, Azurmendi allegedly met a 16-year-old girl at Lit Lounge on Second Avenue and had sex with her in the club’s bathroom, police said.

Investigators said the teacher met the girl through his students and that is not believed to be a student of his. Police learned about the alleged…

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Bad Day, Mad Day, Sad Day

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It’s one of those days where I was sent back in time in my mind. I must of forgot to take my pills because the anger and hate just filled me up and I didn’t know what to do.

I was busy all weekend no break, had a lot of work stuff and so did my husband he was doing midterms but mine had me out of the house so he stayed at home with the kids.

We had been on the edge all weekend and so I just came home today exhausted and the house was a mess after I just cleaned it. I started doing my OCD thing and this wasn’t straight and that wasn’t straight and yelling (while my husband is trying to do his midterm) he told me I need to just walk away. Anyway it just wasn’t good.

So now present time my husband is in a shitty mood because I put him there and it feels so much like that time….where we weren’t talking and he was cheating and I felt so paranoid. I hate feeling this way. It’s like we are taking two steps backwards. I can’t breath and I’ve tried talking to him but it doesn’t work it’s like he has to reprogram himself to like me again. And it makes me so angry in fact right now writing this I just want to yell and scream at him to just stop being such an ass.

Now it will take about 2 days for us to get back to normal. But the damage is still there and in the mean time my insecurities get the best of me and I start checking messages, emails, phone calls and every word that he says.

I so hate feeling this way and I want it to be over but until he’s done with his PMS I won’t be done with mine.

Can the blah’s be dangerous?

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My husband texted me all day and I just didn’t feel like texting back. We’ve made it a point to text each other everyday. (I luv u, miss u, have a good day etc) but I just didn’t feel like looking at the phone. I don’t know if I’m getting to the content stage in the relationship where you forget that that stuff is always important because your too busy with work or what.

He called me at home and ask if I was Ok. I told him I was feeling blah and he said ” I was worried that you weren’t ok and I just needed a little reassurance.” So the first thing out of my mouth was…why, did you do something you weren’t supposed too? Instead of…sorry baby I was really busy at work teaching and didn’t have time to look at the phone. Of course I love you!

The blah’s always steer me into making bad choices….like let’s bring up shit so we can fight and I can make you feel awful. Even though it makes me feel yucky too, at least I’m not alone.

I think I’m just going to get in bed with the kids because it’s cold and rainy and watch a little sponge bob. That always makes me laugh!

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Yes I did

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So I’ve read a lot about not getting in touch with the OW. To go on with my life with my husband and never look back but move forward. For the most part technically I never got in touch with the OW. I got in touch with the husband.

Last Thursday I saw an email from turd burger wishing him well on his presentation at school. I went ape shit crazy. How the Hell did she know that he was in school doing anything. I couldn’t call or text because he was in class. So I waited for him to get home. It was late when he got home and I didn’t yell at him but I was pissed. He told me it was no big deal that she asked for him to come by her school and see a kid. And he said he did not do that anymore that there was another person assigned to her case and he was too busy doing a presentation anyway.

Ok so it wasn’t that big a deal but she does not need to contact him for any reason. They are not nor will they ever be friends again. My husband got upset that it bothered me that much. He said that he would email her and tell her to never email him. I told him don’t bother. I had already found out her husbands information and contacted him. My husband said that is fine that I can do what I need to do and he will support me.

So I emailed her husband to contact me about a personal matter. He emailed me his number and we texted back and forth.

I told him that I was sorry for contacting him but he needed to control his
wife and tell her to never email my husband. Then I said I was praying for him and his family. He told me the same.

I realized that she hadn’t told him the whole story and that he didn’t know the affair lasted as long as it did. I didn’t know what to do. So I hinted at a fake Facebook account that was closed 6 months after he said they reconciled. Hoping he would get the timeline discrepancy. And left it at that .

I probably overstepped but it was breaking my heart that he didn’t know the whole thing. I know their relationship is their business and maybe a part of me wanted him to make her feel awful by not telling the whole truth.

And now I need to focus because it’s not them that should matter in my life. It’s my husband and I….Done!

Just Breath

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I think I’m about to loose it…everything was going great and then. I look on my husbands email account and there’s this email from turd burger. Hoping he does ok at hit school test tonight. How did she know he had a test… I can’t even call him it’s a presentation…So I did something that I thought I would never do. I emailed her husband and told him to control his wife.

So I might get in trouble and this might be really bad but what else could I do?

October 14, 2013

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Well in a few days it will be my birthday and while I don’t particularly like that day it’s even harder this year. It will be the day I woke up and realized that my husband was lying to me about being done with the OW. The day I hacked into his fake Facebook account and found long delusional messages of how they were going to leave their spouses and move in together and everyone would live happily ever after. Of how I just needed to wake up and see everything and how I probably already knew but was keeping them apart by pretending that everything was OK.

After my husband had told me he slept with someone else it was like I went into save marriage mode. I didn’t blame him I blamed myself for not being there for him.

But he said he didn’t think we would make it. I couldn’t do anything but think about saving my marriage. I read books, went to counseling, changing the way I thought about everything, more sex less talk, clean the house, take care of the kids, make sure dinner is ready. I thought he stopped seeing the OW. But during this time I got very depressed didn’t eat or sleep. I was living everyday watching what I said making sure my words were perfect. L would sit in front of his computer typing from the moment he came home from work to the moment he went to bed. Stopping only to sit with me and the kids for dinner. Every night we would pray at the dinner table and every night I would ask GOD to please keep my family together and help my husband find his way back to me. I knew he was lost. He was not my L but some evil alien that switched bodies with him. My L would never hurt his family, my L would never think about being out right cruel and disrespectful to his family. No that wasn’t my L.

I didn’t know all the time he was on the computer he was typing her. All I knew was that he was so mean to me. I would ask him how his day was I would tell him how nice he looked that day. I would sit on the sofa next to him trying to talk, cracking jokes but he was always bothered. Then we would sit in the awkward silence. I could hear my heart breaking only to be up staged by his obsessive typing.

I remember a few days before my birthday I went to give him a kiss and he told me my kiss was sloppy and looked at me in disgust. Who Does that?!!!

Geez I’m tearing up just thinking about it…DICK…..

Anyway, back to last year on my birthday. Yes not only did I hack into my husbands Facebook account but I changed the password, copied all the messages, and sent a lovely message to the OW. Apparently my husband had told the Ass Burger( my pet name for her) that he had stopped sleeping with me and was keeping himself saved for when he got a divorce and they were married. He had slept with her once and wasn’t going to until it wasn’t considered cheating….Really!!!!

So what the Hell! I was done trying I was so done. Columbus Day fell on my birthday no work for me. ( I’m a teacher) I put on Katy Perry’s ROAR and sang at the top of my lungs. My husband was at work the kids were gone and it was my Independence Day!

I called my mother in law told her everything said I was packing up my husbands things and that I was kicking him out. She came over to help me ( yes she rocks) Together when the kids came back from school we sat down the kids and told them that daddy was seeing some else and daddy loved them very much but he couldn’t be here because he was not doing the right thing.

No, I was not happy at this time. My 9 year old girl started to cry and ask why daddy did that. Because he is selfish and insecure and needs to be worshiped by scank hoes!….Just kidding. That’s what I was thinking. I actually told her that I didn’t know but he still loves her and none of this is her fault. My 16 year old boy was very angry and put on his head phones and locked his door, and my 2 year old hugged my daughter because he’s very sensitive when it comes to her.

Maybe telling wasn’t a good thing but it was the truth and I was tired of the lies. I don’t want my kids thinking that that behavior is fine if you ignore it. It’s not and I don’t want them ever to be in that situation. They deserve better.

So the reckoning… my unsuspecting husband comes home thinking my mom was going to take us out for my birthday. I had read a conversation he had that day with ASS burger saying this would be the last birthday with me. He comes in the kids are in the back room with my mother in law and I hand my husband a suitcase and tell him. I’m done I know everything. I release you. You are Free! Go be with who ever you want to be with. The kids and I will be just fine. I told him I wanted him to be happy. And that I am strong enough to live with out him. He was stunned he didn’t know what to do. He went to give the kids a hug and only the girl hugged him.

He didn’t want to go. I told him that all the conversations you had with Ass Burger you said you were ready to go. I told him I am just helping the situation. And with that said he left crying. My mother in law and my mom took the kids that night.

The house was quiet and lonely it was just me and our beagle. I got into the steaming hot shower and I think there were more tears than water. I could literally feel my heart splitting and I thought I’m gonna die on my birthday and Ass Burger is gonna be the mother to my kids…. OOO HELL NO!!!!
Get it together girl you’ve been on the my husband’s an asshole diet and you have lost a whole person. You are looking fierce!!! So I turned on my take back my life anthem {{{ROAR}}} did my concert…sang happy birthday to me.

And then the phone rang…it was my ex-boyfriend he was in town for a couple of days….

Concert Time

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So I have a guilty pleasure. One that I have been doing since I heard music for the first time on the radio. My husband knows about it, my closest friends know about it, my kids know about it. I lock myself in my room and blast the music really loud and I do a “concert”. Now during this “concert” I do have adoring fans and yes usually there is a guy that has broken my heart and regrets it once they see me in all my awesomeness singing to my fans. There’s usually a hairbrush and mirror involved and maybe a tambourine. I have a great imagination. Thank you dad where ever you are for giving me the dream gene.

Throughout the years the songs have changed, the guy has changed, the places have changed, even my imaginary adoring fans have changed but one thing stays the same. It always makes me feel so much better when I feel like my world is crashing down.

These days my concert takes place around midnight when everyone is a sleep. I go in the bathroom with headphones and iPhone. Every now and then my husband will text me that one of my groupies is waiting in the bedroom. I end the concert pretty quick after that…

Here’s the first song on my concert list tonight:)

“Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss “No way, it’s all good,” it didn’t slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I’m still around

Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fuckin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean when you talk about yourself
You were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

So complicated, look how we all made it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
It’s enough, I’ve done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I’ve seen you do the same

Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fuckin’ perfect to me

The whole world’s scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try
But we try too hard and it’s a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, ’cause they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Estrange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby

Pretty pretty please, don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fuckin’ perfect to me

You’re perfect, you’re perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fuckin’ perfect to me.”

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